Ninoska Andrea = Rachel Ellen: To Dominick...

I have mentioned my son briefly in previous messages. But with my trip fast approaching I feel the need to talk about him more.

Dominick will not be making the trip to Chile with me. My husband and I have decided that he does not really need to be subjected to the uncertainty of emotions that may be experienced on this journey. He will be 6 years old at the time of my travel. I don't feel it is "age appropriate" right now to bring him BUT I look forward to having him come with me on future visits.

Anyways, I have had thoughts racing through my head...what if something happens to me while I am away? I hate flying and am terrified of a plane crash...well, what if my plane crashed?!?! Am I being a bad mom to take this experience for myself? Ughhh, I can't even begin to explain the concerns I have about leaving my little boy at home...DESPITE the fact I know he will be well cared for by my mother :)

Meet my son...this is Dominick as an infant...FRESH out the womb!!!!

And below is Dominick with my husband at only ONE day old! He was so alert, even as just a little guy...

And finally, I am going to post what I wrote for Dominick today while my thoughts of my and my love for him were racing through my mind all day long.

I decided to call this "Years Gone By"...

Because one day you will read this...

I remember the first day I found out about you. You were a surprise, the most pleasant surprise I have ever received.

I remember watching you grow through the eyes of medical technology. I loved hearing your little heart BEAT...I loved watching you on screen in the doc's office.

You were such a STAR- always showing off and flashing the fact that you were a male to the camera...or perhaps I should say sonogram machine.

I remember watching my belly roll around as you moved so tightly inside. I HATED how everyone always felt a need to give your little domain a "pat" but I poked at you ALL DAY LONG...just so I could see you squirm :)

And there began our relationship. You would kick me in the rib, and I would poke you in your little gut...or whatever part of your body it was. We played like this for a few months.

You grew to the point that I could no longer fit in my desk at school. Your kicking got to the point that it was painful...but I still poked you back- softly.And then you were born.

On Friday the 13th...and your enterance was just as frightening as the day itself. After 13 hours of labor and pushing, you managed to tangle yourself in your annoying umbillical chord. I was forced to get an epidural and birth you via c-section. I didn't like being sliced opened or being num from my neck down BUT once I heard you screaming...nothing even mattered.

And so began our lives together...out in the open- out in public. You weren't hidden under my clothes, you were no longer a "bump." You became visible. Not only to me but to the world.

You were handsome. You were beautiful. You were my baby.

I LOVED the way your eyes would light up as I nursed you. I loved the fact that your only food source was ME. I loved crying because my breasts hurt SO bad. I loved fighting through my pain and your frustration together. I loved it when our nursing routine became "routine."

I remember how you would cuddle close to my heart. I LOVED your toothless little grins. I remember how you always would kick your feet at the sound of my voice. I loved every inch of you. I loved every minute spent with you.

I remember your first birthday. You came walking down the hall. I had never seen you walk before...you were so proud of yourself. Your toothless grin had turned to a 4 tooth smile. You were so darn precious.

I remember the days when we counted your age by weeks. I remember the first time I said, "he's 18 months." It sounded so old. I cut you off from nursing...our relationship changed, and although you didn't depend on me for food, I loved you even more.

I remember watching you walk to restaurants for lunch dates with my friends. You were always so happy. I remember how hard it was to watch you cry the first time you fell down on the sidewalk.

You never drank from a bottle, never wore "pull-ups" and you never went pee sitting down. Thanks to your twin cousins, and your Aunt Kira's investment in your potty, you were potty trained by age two.

And then you started school. You wore a uniform everyday. You LOVED the montessori program...and the montessori program loved you. You learned so much. You had blossomed beyond my belief, reading and writing after only 2 years in the program.

I remember your first picture. I remember your first project. I remember that you drew make believe siblings for yourself in EVERY single picture you created.

I love your imagination. I love your sense of self.

You are about to turn 6. You have been a dream come true. You saved my life from darkness as I made vows to myself the day you were born.

You challenge me to be more than a better mother but to be a better HUMAN...to have compassion for ALL people because everyone has a mother, somewhere, that loves them just as much as I love you.

You have transformed from my little peanut, into my Big D-Rock. I love the way you argue with me and I love the way you look in your REDSKINS jersey.

I love the jokes you tell and I love the way you call me "Babe."

I love explaining things to you. You listen so cautiously to everyone and everything. You ask so many questions.

I love how you are so inquisitive.

I love YOUR love for others.

Recently you questioned about illness and death. I explained that medicine does not have a cure for everything. I LOVED THE WAY YOU ASKED ME, "Hey babe- why does it have to be like that?...it does not seem fair."

At only 5 years old, I love YOUR vision to want better for the world. I love the way we pick children to sponsor together. I love the fact that you ASK to give up a Hanukah gift so we can repair the cleft pallet of a child less fortunate.

I love that you see past just yourself.

The years have gone by and I just continue to love you more and more each day. I love you so bad it hurts. I am scared of not being with you. We have always been so "together."

But one day you will read this. One day you will remember all our memories and the first time I really traveled without you. It will be nothing but just another memory.

I am so looking forward to the rest of our lives together. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you.

You bring smiles to the saddest days and you shine light on all dark voids that exist within my life. I am appreciative for the memories we have created and the ones we have yet to create. I love you with all my heart, soul, and of course-- with all the gushy guts in between :)