Friday, February 20, 2009


Ahhhh...I got the most refreshing email today from one of my girlfriends. It made me smile, it made me feel so happy to have her in my life and it made me feel proud of myself.

3 years ago I began the hunt for my biological mother. I found her fairly quickly with the help of a stranger...that same stranger has remained in my life and it is her email that brought me to (happy) tears this morning.

I found Gaby on MySpace...a social networking internet site that I had joined in hopes of finding my biological sister in Chile (its pretty popular amongst people my age and my sister is 2 years older than myself). Although entering my sisters name turned no results, I saw that the Chilean people were all over MySpace! When I came across Gaby, who was listed as a female, "in a relationship", and her occupation was a translator...I knew I hit the jackpot! Her smile was beautiful- her hair was long and beautiful- she appeared harmless and I took my shot.

My email to Gaby was short. I told her I was an adoptee in search of my biological mother and sister. I explained that I had their names but that I needed help getting phone numbers and addresses of people in Chile who matched their identity. I explained my Spanish was limited to "conversational" and from the bottom of my heart- I asked for her help.

She responded a few weeks later...apologizing for the delay in her response and saying that she would help me with whatever I needed. Apologize?!? Are you kidding?! I was just thankful she REPLIED...but her unnecessary apology and willingness to help me showed me the pureness of her heart. I responded with great gratitude and with the names of my mother and sister. She sent me 3 telephone numbers and an address two days later. Gaby had proven my instinct to be correct...she was a gift from God.

Because my moms contact numbers were all disconnected- I had to hire and pay an intermediate to go to assist me further BUT Gaby stayed by my side. She translated multiple letters from English to Spanish for me to give to the intermediate when she went knocking on my moms door. She sat on conference calls with me for hours to translate my mothers and my first few conversations- back and forth. From my english to her spanish and vice-versa.

Gaby never asked me for a penny...she graciously accepted all my thank you's and told me it was "no problem", that I could call her whenever I needed anything. We email eachother each month...we talk on occaision...we post messages to eachother on our MySpace and Facebook pages. She's an incredible incredible friend...I tell her all the time that she is indeed, an incredible human being.

My email from her came as a surprise this morning. It was an email with "thank you" in the subject. Thanking ME?! Thanking me for WHAT?!...I thought and I opened the email as I continued to read. Gaby was thanking me for the lessons I had taught her about life, love and forgiveness. Lessons I sure did NOT know she learned through me.

I had never talked to her about any of these things, she's older and seemingly wiser than me. I couldn't figure it out. As I read through the email tears streamed down my face...I hit the last line, I began to cry..."being a part of your experience has taught me some of the most valuable lessons on life, love and forgiveness- thank you for allowing me to be a part of this."

I've been thinking about it all morning. I didn't really teach Gaby anything but I did realize something. I realized that as we walked together through my adoption reunion...we learned together. Together we watched lives changing, we watched two cultures emerging, we witnessed and were a part of the power of love, and we have both witnessed the delivery and acceptance of one of the most INSANE kinds of an apology in the world..."I am sorry for giving you up- I am sorry I didn't look for you", my mother cried.
..."its okay Mama, I found you and we won't be apart again."

TO LOVE...LIFE...AND FORGIVENESS...may you all encounter moments of clarity when dealing with the three :)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Stir it up...

Reuniting with my biological family has taken more out of me then I ever could have imagined. Seriously, it's so wack. I've spent countless hours crying about the losses that I never allowed myself to mourn...I've spent raging nights, screaming at the sky and digging my fingernails in to my scalp as I allowed my anger about being adopted to finally soak throughout my soul.

To say I've sorted through some emotions over the last 4 or 5 weeks doesn't do justice to what I've been going through. I've sorted through some SHIT. I literally feel like I've traveled to the freakin' twilight zone...and back.

...well, wait- I'm not "back" yet...lets just say, I am on the "mend"..."a project in repair." Repairing always seems to require discussion and discussion with depth- you know, the kind with real substance? The kind that people love to run from? "Just move on"..."get over it"...

NO! I won't! I will HEAL my soul and drain the rage it has soaked up. I will nurse my wounds until they HEAL. "Bandaids" don't do it for me.

Moving on IS important but the whole "just drop it"/ ignore it thing is for bitches. So, here I am...fighting my way through my biggest fears...fighting my way through the most painful therapy sessions I've ever experienced in my life...fighting my way through life to find MYSELF.

...I AM BATTLING MY ADOPTEDNESS and with lots of hard work, I BELIEVE that I will conquer all the insecurities and difficulties that being adopted has brought to my life.

That's all for now...I got a family to feed.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Man In The Glass...

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you king for a day...
Just go to a mirror and look at YOURSELF,
And see what THAT man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife,
Whose judgment upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in YOUR life...
Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get "pats on the back" as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartache and tears...
...if you have cheated the man in the glass.

This poem was written by an adoptee who later went on to take his own life :(

I love this poem and I read it often. It always reminds me to stay true to myself-- no matter WHAT peoples opinions may be. This is MY life and I smile when I see my reflection in the mirror :)

So...What does YOUR mirror have to say about YOU??? Do you appreciate your strengths and weaknesses???...Or are you still caught up in cheating yourself while attempting to fool the world???

BEEEE yourself.

P.S. If you like the image I chose for this post please click and visit the photographers site HERE.

Monday, February 2, 2009

"SOUL- LOW..."

"Every day we ride the matter where it takes ya, up or down...DON'T LET IT GET YA DOWN..."

I am feeling so low. SOLO. SOUL = LOW. Anyway ya wanna put's how I am feeling these days. I think I MAY post Nikka Costa songs and videos all week long. It's quite possible. When my lonely soul is feeling down, HER lyrics and music NEVER fail to keep my spirit FLYING HIGH.


P.S. If you ever decide you like what you're listen to, GO HERE and download her music :)